Ahistorical “River of Blood” Plaque at Trump National Golf Club

Not satire. This is from a 2015 issue of Golf Digest. Trump has a plaque at one of his golf courses commemorating a civil war battle that never happened, touting Trump’s generous patriotism for having preserved the land, on which no battle happened, which is now a golf course.


You can tell from the name that the battle was made up (“The River of Blood” has a real “American carnage” feel, right?), but a New York Times reporter asked a lot of Virginia historians and they could not come up with anything which Trump could be referencing or might be confused about.

I am a fan of alternate history and of prankishness. But I’m not a fan of this quote:

Trump, who is a leading Republican candidate for President, questioned how historians could dispute the battle. “How would they know,” he told the Times. “Were they there?”

Golf Digest‘s piece is condensing a New York Times report which is worth reading in full if you can get past the paywall. With classic Trumpiness, Trump claims lots of historians have told him the River of Blood happened, but he can’t remember their names, and also he didn’t talk to them directly, they told “his people” but also no he won’t say who his people are and don’t try to talk to them.

I really, really, really want a fictional historical plaque for my yard now, and maybe another one for my office. What should I fake commemorate? Any ideas?

Katie: Battles with space aliens? Mind-blowing sex acts? Matriarchal renaissances? Non-violent resistance against wtf’kery? Things that happened in your favorite books/movies/plays/songs? I’m thrilled at the prospect- let us know what you decide!

Romie: I am giving myself a three-month brainstorming window, and then I will move forward with commemoration of whatever it is. I will most definitely hold a somber unveiling ceremony with attendant press release.

Lauren: The Battle of the Fallen Comma

Sonya: “On this spot in 1786, Samuel Whittemore reached through time and punched a Tyrannosaur.”

Romie: “official state hero of Massachusetts” – sold

[My parents believe it should be tiny and memorialize a Revolutionary-era battle in which a guerilla fairy army drove off the lobsters.]